Where do i start? And how do i start? I guess i never really know. When i feel the need to write things down it just happens. I ramble. I take a drive. I listen to explosions in the sky. But in the end it always seems to work. Well basically I don’t think i can be with someone right now. How can i love someone when i honestly could not tell you what love is? Its not that i am immature or that i am afraid of commitment. Its that i am afraid of the wrong commitment. How can a man pretend to be with someone when they speak to other women? I’m not saying this like i have never done it I’m saying this because i refuse to do it again. Since my last relationship i have vowed not to compromise as asshole-ish as that makes me sound and as selfish as it seems to be. I think that’s the way it should be. Even though i respect a girl more than any girl i have ever known. She makes me smile and feel amazing not because i am with her but because she is her own person. because she is so independent. so strong and so amazingly beautiful in so many ways. When I’m alone with her its like time stops. Its perfect. But when I’m not with her its not the same when I’m not with her i don’t think about her constantly like i should. I cant explain it..and i cant tell what she thinks when we are not alone when we are together around our friends it seems so different… To be with someone is to be with them alone. Solely alone. not talk to anyone on the side and see where that goes it is to be completely infatuated with that one women in every way maybe that is love. i do not know. maybe its that we don’t act the same. Its like we have two faces one for private and one for public. That may be because we have been together in privacy long before we were ever together in public and maybe that’s just the way we are. Maybe we were never meant to be together but only to be there for each other. plus it could be that deep down i just don’t want commitment but again i think that its the wrong commitment that i do not want. I will probably miss out on her by not committing like so many men have before not to her but to those perfect women that they always speak of. the one that got away. but that is a mistake that i choose to make. I wont sit around and contemplate what could be and what might become. I must act. Both for the sake of myself and the sake of her. I will tell you something weird between you and i. I’ve never even spoken to this other girl. Sure we message back and forth as friends but beyond that there is nothing there between us. When i first saw her she took my breath away. and that has never happened to me. I didn’t even think that could happen to me. i thought that happened only in fables but now i know it can happen not in some distant fairy tale but in our lives. and now deep down I’m willing to put all this on the line for something that right now is completely uncertain. I may be crazy but i mean what else are we living for? I want my breath to be taken away. I want to live. Or honestly what’s the point? No compromises especially in love. Even when there is only a miniscule chance there is still hope.there is always the possibility i get shot down, or that it doesn’t even work out. But i have no idea what else to do. I cant date one of them and then see where it goes with the other. That to me would be more wrong that anything i am doing right now. So i have to choose to loose it all with a wonderful woman. All for just one chance, one chance to loose everything and one chance to gain it all back. What a wonderful game we play as men. Sure many people wont understand but i do and the people i love most will too. I would rather loose everything than put her through something like so many men do. To stay with one and see how it turns out with the other sure right now i loose everything but to take the other path is to break someone else’s heart. I guess that’s what it is to be a man. To stand up for what you believe is right no matter how bad it can hurt you. I guess there is a fine line between chivalry and insanity. At least that’s what most people probably think this is. Crazy. And yes maybe they are right. Maybe deep down i am making all the wrong moves. but that is something i will learn from. right now living in the moment is all i know. and what i know is in this moment i feel alive.
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A) I don’t want to or need to know her name, just need to know if she really is that great?
B) I don’t know that is the crazy part don’t you think?
A) Not necessarily if someone is worth it then they are worth it, and if it works out then its beautiful.
B) The real question is, is it worth it in the possibility of them being worth it?
A) Do you mean what if they are not worth it? but you thought they were, so really its not worth it at all?
B) Both in that and not knowing if they are or are not worth it but taking a gamble just in the mere possibility that they could be worth it, or could be what you hope them to be. Is it worth it then? To me i think it is. To me you can always know what you have lost but you can never know what you could have had unless you loose what you have to go for what could be.
A)That’s what life is about though, isn’t it? you only live once and in life there are no do over’s.
B) If you have the chance at something great then that is infinite, if it doesn’t work then you learn and you grow and most of all you keep taking chances because that’s all we have.
A)… Because maybe one of those is the chance, the chance at greatness and most of all at love.
B) And maybe its just me, but just like you said no compromises..if its not what you want can you truly be happy
A) Exactly, i cant say i wont try when there is a chance that it could be, if its not what you want you can pretend to be happy.
B) If its not real then that is setting up the relationship for disaster.
A) Most certainly. And it must be real throughout not just sometimes.
B) And you cant have a relationship with fake because what is fake? it certainly is not real, and real is what we are. It is unwise to love what is not real
A) I just wish everyone would understand as much as you, of course that will never happen but it seems we have our heads on straight.
B) Hypothetically, you take the road less traveled, for what might possibly be worth it, be real..you cant expect to not get shit for it, but if you got true friends by you that understand that you cant be happy then fear should not be an object in your decision.
A) I have already made my decision.
B) To go about this, are you going to show what you showed me along with the conversation, write something, or do it in person?
A) I have already told her that i didn’t want to date her, or more that it felt much different than it did before. I don’t know if i should show this to her, if it is to soon or even if she would understand.This is one thing i haven’t decided.i think it would be to soon for that because most girls would say “its because I’m not worth it”, she will blame herself for my decision and that is completely not the case. It is nothing about her it is only in my decision what path i take. i just don’t want her to think she is anything less then spectacular because she is.
B) But not for you?
A) I think that she is very different than i, but again i honestly don’t know. Nothing about this can be a definite answer, because i have none.
B) Fools have definite answers, before the time comes to answer.
A) I really don’t know, it just seemed so different when we started dating, like everything else this is much easier in ideals than in practice.
A) I have quite the conundrum.
Well i just got done with my World lit essay that is due tomorrow and haven’t started studying Greek yet for my Greek test tomorrow so that sucks. God i hate essays so much especially when its stuff i could care less about. ridiculous..at least tomorrow is the climbing film festival. I cant wait. It will help the stress with all these damn assignments. Sent two more advanced problems at the hper and will probably send two more on Thursday considering tomorrow is a rest day for me. hellllls yeah
Yesterday i got my unicorn on the bouldering wall. yeah I’ve taken like a month or two off from climbing but i can pretty much say that i have been working that problem for about 4 months now. I can really tell a difference in how much stronger i am. For the past two months instead of climbing I’ve (Corey and I mainly because Alex’s spider bite) been do
ing Cross fit. I’m down to 162ish but much stronger than i have ever been which is a great feeling..Just to put it in perspective when we started at the beginning of the year they had just put that problem up. It was the hardest problem at the wall so i have definitely come along way. I just got to start working the problems that i cant do. Sack up.. Today Alex and I may go out to Lincoln lake. Our local climbing spot outdoors, which for being about 5 minutes from my house is amazing. Its been awhile since I’ve fell on my crash pad. Time to climb..hoping it doesn’t rain.
The reel rock film tour is coming to the university of Arkansas next Wednesday and i cant fucking wait. I hope it doesn’t rain. Climbing season is almost upon me and what a better way to start it off than that. Film Tour The trailer gets me pumped! And also i hope the “do what you like” video in the contest section wins because that short film is amazing.
I wish i knew who did the audio track for it because i want it! I have been climbing at the hper for the past week or so trying to get my strength back up but tendonitis is keeping me from being 100% but oh well i’ll just have to work it out. Life is about sacking up right.
I just set up windows live for the first time with all my emails, calendar, contacts and now i can even blog from my desktop. It is amazing. And you know what else is amazing. Last.fm…music and the internet. Well I’m about to smoke and do some Greek homework along with some Chemistry. Good times…
And its that easy for pictures too… damnnn
It doesn’t matter what we do or how we do it. The only thing that matters is that we are here. Existing in whatever way we see fit for as long as we can. Enjoying life in all its sorrow and its glory. Existing if only for a flash. Because in reality a flash is all we get. A mere millisecond in the whole grand scheme of things. Of life, of earth, of our galaxy, our universe of everything we know that there is in reality. We are mere specs of dust floating on the wind of eternity. We get this wonderful chance to see life in all its splendor and its a shame that some people don’t even stop to see it…stop to listen to it. To feel what its like to really be alive. For all of those people i am sorry, but i wont miss my chance. I know what its like to be alive.. once again, to exist.
Its crazy how many people im starting to see on campus lately. I guess that is because all my friends are younger than me but thats okay i am pretty much never alone on campus anymore so thats great. Today was boring as fuck though the usual syllabus after syllabus after syllabus. It gets a little old. My Greek professor seems like he will be awesome and i am really looking forward to that class. I learned how to say my name and good morning and good evening so that was cool. Pretty much all my other classes i just have to get through..nothing that special about them. Tomorrow i have sociology with my friend kaitlin and have to work after that but i only am scheduled three days a week so thats definitely a plus. Crossfit today raped me. It was as many rounds as possible in 20 minutes of; 5 pull ups, 10 push ups, and 15 air squats. Sam got 14 or so his first time which is quite respectable. Corey got 6 more than his previous time so now he is at 24 reps i think and i got around 30 -30+ i didn’t keep count but i never stopped and jumped the rotation a few times. I think crossfit is the best workout program out there. Ive been doing it for somewhere around 2 months and i feel and look better than ever. My student assist loan came in finally so i am thinking about purchasing a to carry on campus and take notes with. Except for of course Greek where i will have to do a lot of writing anyways. Well that’s pretty much everything new in my life for today but oh well. Oh yeah we got about 100 zaxbys free chicken strip coupons from the union today so ill be eating chicken for the entirety of the semester most likely haha. Until we meet again.
Tonight is my last night before college. I’m listening to explosions in the sky while I am stoned and right now I wouldn’t have it any other way. Tonight was the first night pretty much of my entire life where I actually conversed with my mother and her boyfriend Joe. We talked about everything from the human condition to the nature of the mind, global warming, even the psychedelics. It turns out my mom has done peyote, psilocybin, and acid which is pretty cool. I dont know it seems like I’m where I want to be in my life. Good friends, good body, good mind. I’m on the right track right now to be a good person. An honest man, an honest husband. Just someone that people care about. And really that’s all we have when we live. The impact I have on another human being and if I become a teacher I can affect so many people with the things, the ideals of how a person should really be. I’m probably just ranting again because I’m stoned but I feel a weird sort of euphoria. And not just with the drug but in my mind as a being. I’m that much closer to Aristotle’s “virtuous man” ideals. And I start Greek tomorrow I completely forgot. That should be pretty awesome. I would love to read the Greek philosophers in their own language. It’s just something about it. Maybe I will actually become a professor like I wanted. Maybe I can actually to it and that brings a smile to my face. … she has jumped back into my life. And more than I thought she would. I actually think about her. I haven’t thought of any specific girl in months. I’ve had sex with a few but that’s a different story. I actually wonder if any part of her wants to see what it’s like again. I want to know so bad if she feels the same way. But it seems too soon she only like really broke up with her boyfriend about two weeks or something. I have to let nature run its course right now in case she wants to play the field and see what’s out there. But there is always that chance that we could try again. She is so gorgeous and I feel like I can help her a little. Yeah I do experiment with drugs and shit but I still think I have my head on straight. Not saying she does at all but she parties a lot and if that’s what she likes then that’s perfectly fine I love her no matter what but I just feel like I am a good man. I don’t really know where I’m going with this soooo yeah. Let’s just say I would like to get to know her again. I think I’m going to get some gauges. I don’t know I somehow earned the right too after my 2ci experience in the mirror the other night. I felt like an animal, tribal like, an initiation. This could be the mix of trying not to shit or vomit all over myself while tripping my balls off…. I want a purple lion on my pec to commemorate the occasion. I saw age; I saw death in the mirror. And I wasn’t afraid. It was like I was ready. Bring it on. I’m going to live how I want to live. Impact the lives of people I love for the better. Be the best man I can be to those that I love and even those people that I don’t care for which there really isn’t any but you know the people whose views can’t be helped. The people who are a lost cause and can’t be changed. If we are going to change the man faster than he destroys himself we need people to change minds and to open doors. This generation almost like no other I can think of in history. Needs to change. Technology, over population, global warming. Things must change and things have to change if we are going to survive the next century. It’s almost insurmountable odds but I think we can actually do it. My friends are good people and we are all together in this. We can actually change the world where so many others failed. To avoid a calamity, quite possibly the destruction of earth. Thermonuclear weapons and immoral characters. The world is changing fast and there are a lot of people in this world who aren’t right. A lot of powerful people. Maybe we will all be in the history books some day. This generation saved the world and all we had to do was think. One of the hardest tasks in history and all we have to do is speak. Everyone change everyone they encounter and it’s as simple as that. And for those who can’t be changed well I don’t know what will happen to you. Maybe you will blow yourself up. Maybe you will stay in your churches and in your mosques. Decisions must be made and the fate of the human race relies on it. We can’t be silent anymore. We can’t just sit down and accept the taboo of not challenging belief. We can’t not go green as cliché and stupid that sounds its true now more than ever. We can all make a difference but only if we do the right thing. So I guess this is my silent call to all those people out there who are like me and not like me. But understand what must be done. From a laptop at 1:23 am before the start of my 6th semester as a college student at the University of Arkansas. And now I can turn my don’t give a shit button back on and go to sleep. Maybe I’ll even write one tomorrow. We shall see.
So i pretty much forgot about this website i had… Reading it now seems pretty ridiculous but that’s pretty much true with anything that is this old haha. Well i am just gonna start writing in this every few days if i get the time. Lately I’ve been rock climbing. I picked up bouldering around January and i would say that i will be a climber until i die. Its like nothing else i have ever done. I also started crossfit about a month or a little more ago which has already gotten me stronger and faster than i have ever been without a doubt. I suggest anyone reading this to check it out. www.crossfit.com Lets see ive been single since around October or so but it feels good to be free. I imagine this time i shall be single for quite sometime well that is unless a goddess comes along hah but how often does that actually happen. I work at Sonic in Farmington again for like the third time. But I would have to say i love my job. And not in a gay way either. Legitimately every single person i work with his pretty damn awesome. Ive partied a shit ton now. Which has its ups and its downs… well actually i cant think of a down yet about it… hah uhh i dont really know what else to say yet but i shall get back with ….myself since im probably the only person reading this hahaha.
I’m not sure where we are or where we are going. I know that I am sorry though… I think about it now because you are second guessing, it makes me feel it was too fast. So I don’t want to do anything like that again until you are sure you want to be with me. I love you to death but that’s not the problem. I don’t think you’re really ready to get involved with me yet though. I’m here to be yours, to love, to hold, to cherish every moment I am with you. I know you are not ready I can feel it. I think there will be a point soon where you will have to really decide what you are going to do. Will you get out of this with me and wait to try again or will you forget what worries you and jump? I don’t know and I don’t pretend to. I know it will be hard for you but I think it will have to happen. I wish I could put all my reasons in your head. I wish I could force you to be with me but I can’t. There will be a time when I know your decision. I will be single or when I see you and it was like it was before. You smiled at me just because I was there, I knew that you would rather be nowhere else but right there with me. You will hug and kiss me for exactly who I am. You may tell me in other ways but at one point I will know. But dear god I don’t know when. That is what haunts me, but I’m ready. Take your time and make your decision. I will be holding my breath waiting for the letter that says <3 Chloe so beautifully as it does on Sam’s poster. I will see that look in your eyes when I know you want to be with me. That moment I see the sign that shows me that you will love me for exactly who I am. It’s not up to me though; it’s all in your head and in your heart. You hold the key to our future. So do what you need to do, struggle, cry, tell me, talk to your friends and family, tell me what I need to change, but when you find the answer don’t be afraid to tell me no matter what it is. Your decision no matter what it is will not affect my feelings towards you. It may affect how I am able to express those feelings towards you but nothing else. I will always love you. I think I knew a girl around a week ago who knew exactly what she wanted, because I could see it in her eyes. What changed?
Yours Truly,
George
P.S.
I’m not afraid of being hurt, I’m afraid of not being loved.
5/11/08 15:56
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