SpeaKout

I’m not sure where we are or where we are going. I know that I am sorry though…  I think about it now because you are second guessing, it makes me feel it was too fast.  So I don’t want to do anything like that again until you are sure you want to be with me. I love you to death but that’s not the problem. I don’t think you’re really ready to get involved with me yet though. I’m here to be yours, to love, to hold, to cherish every moment I am with you. I know you are not ready I can feel it. I think there will be a point soon where you will have to really decide what you are going to do. Will you get out of this with me and wait to try again or will you forget what worries you and jump? I don’t know and I don’t pretend to. I know it will be hard for you but I think it will have to happen. I wish I could put all my reasons in your head. I wish I could force you to be with me but I can’t. There will be a time when I know your decision. I will be single or when I see you and it was like it was before. You smiled at me just because I was there, I knew that you would rather be nowhere else but right there with me. You will hug and kiss me for exactly who I am. You may tell me in other ways but at one point I will know. But dear god I don’t know when. That is what haunts me, but I’m ready. Take your time and make your decision. I will be holding my breath waiting for the letter that says <3 Chloe so beautifully as it does on Sam’s poster. I will see that look in your eyes when I know you want to be with me. That moment I see the sign that shows me that you will love me for exactly who I am. It’s not up to me though; it’s all in your head and in your heart. You hold the key to our future. So do what you need to do, struggle, cry, tell me, talk to your friends and family, tell me what I need to change, but when you find the answer don’t be afraid to tell me no matter what it is. Your decision no matter what it is will not affect my feelings towards you. It may affect how I am able to express those feelings towards you but nothing else. I will always love you. I think I knew a girl around a week ago who knew exactly what she wanted, because I could see it in her eyes. What changed?

Yours Truly,

George

P.S.

I’m not afraid of being hurt, I’m afraid of not being loved.

5/11/08 15:56

She will save me,

She must save me,

Save me from myself…

5/9/08 19:02

They seem like drones, all of them!

Lifeless, soulless, scurrying all over the earth,

Devouring it, thrashing it,

They all speak of pests, we are the pests, and we are death

They all must wake up before it is too late, we must wake up

This world is ugly

How did this happen?

What made us this way?

We are beasts, but we are free…

We are our masters and that is our curse!

5/9/08 18:53

The truth is I’m scared to death to lose her, I don’t know what she’s thinking, what she is doing or how she feels…She did tell me she was stupid for feeling this way because a lot of girls would kill to have me, but I wanted to say you’re not a lot of girls that’s why I love you and that’s why I want you! I don’t know why I didn’t, maybe fear that she would think I’m “clingy” well I am clingy now that I look at it. But that’s ok that just means I always want to see her…be with her. I don’t know what to do she is being so elusive but I’m giving her space for good or for ill. I drive the town and think of her, I feel like a lost soul looking for the home I don’t have. It’s crazy I’m so distressed and I don’t even know what she is thinking. Tomorrow is our one month anniversary. The length that we are together makes no difference to me; the only thing that is important is that we are together now. She is everywhere, in all the songs I listen to I think of her. When I see the sky I think of her. When I watch the stars she is there watching with me. It’s a haunting of love…God I wish I knew her thoughts. I guess that is the game we play. I have to see the un-seeable and know what no man knows, that is my desire. If this is how it has to be to be with her then so be it. The price is not too high! I have told no one how I feel but maybe I should…friends do their part but not now. I just want to be alone. I have to see what is going to happen. I will not lose her! If I don’t see her tonight then hopefully I will see her tomorrow, when I’m with her all these thoughts of her leaving… of worry…go away. This is taxing me more than I want to admit. I am tired, silent and hollow. That is how I feel. Things will get better, they must get better. I will sit silently and wait for her to come to me. What I would give to feel her touch, to smell her perfume, to look into her gorgeous eyes and touch her lips to mine. I love her….that I know.

Live,Lust,Love,Life……

5/9/08 18:35

Sometimes I wish I knew if I was a good person. I wish the person that you think about would tell you exactly how they feel so you would never have to guess. What am I doing wrong? What do they like? Who do they want me to be? What am I doing right? I know she loves me but god I want to know why. I’m sure every person feels like I do but it is just so hard to confront the other person about it. What do I do right? Is that what I am supposed to say? I really wish to know why she has second thoughts. It’s not that it matters it’s just why? I want to blame myself but I know I can’t. I know it’s not my fault. I want to scream what did I do wrong? What do you need? I just want to try to be better. I want love more than anything else in the world, I want to be held and loved for exactly who I am. I will not fake who I am it’s just that I wonder if who I am, is that what anyone would ever want? Or will there always be something that they don’t like? I want to believe just like everyone else that there is someone out there for us, but where do I look and when you think you have found them, and you love someone so much that you think about them almost every second of everyday; what is that? Love? It hurts so much… the unknown… I have so many question and no answers… do I just forget about it and let her say she loves me or should I ask why? I need love like I need air to breath…to live. I would be with her every second of everyday and not complain once I am sure of it. How do I get these feelings to go away? What should I do to love her less??? I don’t want to love her less though. Love is a fine line between happiness and sadness, grief and joy. It is a fine line we live on and it is how it will be. If this is what I have to go through to love her then I will gladly love her. She will tell me why she loves me, if she truly does or she will leave me. I will not give up and I will not falter, this love is too much, I love her so much, so fast…that has to mean something and I will do whatever it takes to keep her. Why is love so important to me? I guess I need to be important, I need to be loved.

Love like you have never been hurt!

5/8/08 20:18

What is love? I do not know, but god I wish too, is it the happiness we share with one another, or could it be the difficulties we overcome with each other. Is it when I can’t stop thinking about her every minute of every day? Is true love the moments…the feelings in the chase? The first time we hold hands and get butterflies, the first time I hold you against my body? Is that love? I strive for perfection in everything I do, I want to be smart, funny, artistic, I want to be the boyfriend she tells all her friends about and that may be why I am just ordinary at everything I do I never make a definite decision on how I want to be or what I want to do with my life… that is my down fall, but I want perfect love and I think we all do if we know what it is. I don’t know if that love that we dream of in stories and tales, the kind of love that Romeo and Juliet, seem to share, that perfect relationship that we all look for…is it even attainable? Maybe the idea that we can never have a perfect life, perfect love, a perfect person is what makes all these ideas so desirable. Has anyone had love, true love that unconditional love that I assume we all must lust for? Has anyone ever felt the deepest of love the kind that makes people, do anything for it, run down the street screaming her name to all the world, and I don’t mean this figuratively I mean every word literally can we live this idea of love? It makes me sad to think that some people won’t ever want this love, not that they don’t want it but they don’t know what it is. Do they just not care or are they satisfied with the ordinary? I sit and think of ideals like love, freedom, justice, equality, knowledge and happiness and wonder how many people are like me? But more importantly how many people are not like me and will never have the chance to feel like us, strive for what we want and just to live without fear of death, without fear of lose or of regret. What keeps people from their own ideals? Is it the ideas of others, greed, pride, power or ideas of the people who think about themselves? I think of those who will never know freedom or even the idea of what it is and this saddens me deeply. I yearn to make this world a better place! For god’s sake I yearn to at least make a difference in someone’s life. I think that is why I myself need love so much in my life. I know I impact many people’s lives but that is not enough for me. I want to write my name in the pages of history saying, “Remember me for what I did and for most of all who I am”. We only get moments though, that is our struggle. Our lives are moments like a flash of light in a long dark tunnel. The tunnel of history, of life, of existence. We only get moments to show the world, history and most of all ourselves…Who we are… to make a difference in some way that will be remembered! Is everyone like this? Do we all wonder or wish to be in the pages of history forever? Do we dream to stand besides the likes of Jefferson, Newton, Einstein, and MLK for all eternity? These people who stood for more than themselves, they stood for an idea freedom, equality, justice, and knowledge. Maybe we don’t live for ourselves well I mean many people do but maybe that’s not how we should live… the people we remember the most are the people who stood for some idea other than themselves. Ideals that we ( society, culture) made long ago, it is not desirable to me for people to live for themselves and never be remembered, no maybe a dream (my dream) is to live for something other than myself to live for our ideas, maybe that is what love is…. To live for someone else, to live to make a difference not in your life but in someone else’s. To make them remember you for all time because although you will be dead and gone, you will be a part of someone’s history. Of someone’s story and it will be written for all to see in the pages of history. Some of us are truly born with a gift, born with freedom and we always have it if we choose not to give it away, if we choose to open our eyes to the fact that we do have the choice, though some are born with limitations they still may be able to be free if they work and strive for it. But what of those born into places that they have no choices, no freedom, no justice, and no knowledge. Is this where the evils of the world are bred with those who have no choice, hatred and injustices? It is our responsibility to change, to strive to live in a better place where everyone has the power to choose, we must give everyone the right to do everything they desire. Because we the free have the power to change. We have the power to change the world whether we embrace it or turn a blind eye. It is better to try and fail then to fail to try. Life is not about being rich or being poor it is about living life to the fullest, I don’t want to get a job or even to stop schooling, I am only here for a moment’s breath and I never know when I won’t be able to say goodbye, when this moment is my last… I pity those who don’t see it the way I do, I may sound arrogant and it may be an arrogant statement, but I am not much of an arrogant person. I just want everyone to open their eyes to what is around us. We live in a world full of great happiness but also we must see that we live in a world with much sadness. We all must make a difference. Instead of living for the past or future maybe we should live in the moment….Live for our idea of what is perfect. Live for the moments that take your breath away. We have to live for today. Just stop and realize how special we truly are, to be alive, to be able to think, love, dream, and pursue our happiness to wherever they lead. *Pursue our happiness may be a term that is more true than I believe, can we ever truly be completely happy or is our time here spent looking for the next best thing, something to make us happier or more in love. Should life be a pursuit of happiness, love, freedom and knowledge? Because we can ask the same question again can we ever truly be in love deep unconditional love, can we ever truly be free? Or are these ideals that we all strive for but will never have? Are people who do want to make a difference (or don’t care to) for love, freedom, knowledge, and happiness are those people, the people we truly forget? Are the people of history the people that give us hope or the means to get closer to attaining the unattainable? Famous thinkers give us the steps we need to attain more knowledge (to pursue it), civil rights activists give us the idea that we can help everyone pursue their own desires, Is it the great novelists and story tellers we remember because they show us what to strive for, what love everyone wants but no one can have? Are those the men and women of history? I wish I was an artist and could paint a masterpiece, a person that could make a difference, someone who could have that love we wish for. Maybe I can because I truly am free, free to love, free to hate, free to go where I want, free to change the world and be with whomever I desire. But do I choose out of incompetence, my selfishness of what I want, or my fear of the unknown? …or do I truly choose everything because I want it, I believe these are the true choices the ones that will make a difference are the ones that matter most. I chose to be with the woman I love because I can. I can be with whomever I want and I choose to be with her. Is that love? It makes me so happy sometimes knowing that she said yes when she could have said no, she could have said nothing when she said “I love you”, she could be gone when all she wants is to be with you. I know I feel the same. Anyone can choose to be with whomever they want but they choose that one person. I can live wherever I want and spend time with whoever I want. Most of us have this right this power, and we have the power to help people who don’t have a choice. That is our responsibility, to choose for those who do not have a choice, to help those who can’t help themselves, and to make a difference in the world where those less fortunate then ourselves don’t have the power to change their lives. We who have the power must change the world, love because we can love and live because we are alive.

The past is unchangeable….

The future is unwritten…..

Choose to make history

*thank you Alex for your insight into this idea.

5/8/2008 15:16

This morning I was sent a link to www.pangeaday.org from TED by email. TED is a conference every year where 1000 of some of the most intellectual gifted people share ideas to each other. It used to be behind closed doors but now everyone can see any speech that they want. http://www.ted.com/ it is a very very helpful thing. But anyways back to the topic at hand Pangea day is a on May 10th and attempts to bring the world together.. here is the trailer or the basic concept behind it. http://www.pangeaday.org/?vid=2

That little segment has done already so much for me, it has opened my eyes more fully to what is happening in the world. I have now added http://www.aljazeera.com/index.html to my homepage, along with many others.

In this day and age it is so easy to get the right information, to gets whats really happening in the world. So whats stopping us? Nothing all you have to do is look.

Movies i need to watch and everyone else probably should also…

Encounter Point

Paradise Now

Control Room

Amandla

The other night i helped my friend Lauren write an outline for her essay (critical review) on Candide by Voltaire. Going into it i knew Candide was a story written by a well known Atheist Philosopher Voltaire who lived around the 1600’s i knew that he was very very satirical, but i had no idea it was as much as it was. I used spark notes to get the gist of the characters and whatever but i had no clue that basically all i was going to help her write was an argument of the problem of unnecessary evil….Well i know of course that’s not all that’s in the book but that’s what i told her to focus on because that is the easiest argument to throw at theists and one of the hardest to try and defend. I am an atheist myself and i have seen this argument a few times now I’m not saying i have the answers but this argument is way over done! i mean it has been around for quite sometime but the major points are these ..

“In the philosophy of religion and theology, the problem of evil is the problem of reconciling the existence of evil or suffering in the world with the existence of God, a force for infinite good.^[1] The problem is most often discussed in the context of the personal god of the Abrahamic religions, but is also relevant to polytheistic traditions involving many gods. A proposed solution to this dilemma is called a theodicy.” (wikipedia)

the problem of evil… at-least for the abrahamic religions (Islam, Judaism, Christianity) is a hard one. Why is it that an all knowing, all powerful. and all good god allows there to be evil in this world. Why is it that thousands of children, men and women die everyday unjustly of starvation natural disasters or any of the thousands of ways people are mutilated day by day. In Darfur, Israel, Palestine, China, everyone in the world and throughout all of recorded history. Its not like since modern religion we have become more civilized as a society, that is easy to see from the crusades, nazi germany, the Inquisition and uncountable other atrocities.. An all knowing, all good and all powerful god  allows this?? now that doesn’t make any sense.. I’m not saying that i have the answers but i do believe i have plenty of questions that need to be answered. in fact all i am doing is waiting for the answers. But i suppose people have been doing that since religions were established.. I will most likely never get an answer, because in the end no one can tell us why and any attempt to do so i am sure will fail miserably. The only conclusions that i can come to is that…If there is a god and I’m not saying in anyway there is or needs to be , he would either have to be incapable of stopping evil in the world (not all powerful) he doesn’t know what evils are going on in the world ( not all knowing) or he knows and doesn’t care ( he is either an evil god or definitely not all good) and if one or any of these gods exist ( who says there has to only be one) they are incompetent. If this god exists and is incompetent then he deserves no ones worship. What really is worthy of our worship if anything? (love?) Or finally there is no god, no one out there to watch over us , help us when we need it and no plan for any of us… That’s the only conclusion that sounds logical .. and i am completely satisfied with it. If you understand this it makes life that much more beautiful. I don’t need someone besides my friends to help me, I don’t need anyone besides the people i know to love me, I don’t need anyone besides me to look out for my own interests.. and in this way of life, life is what I make it .. life is neither good nor bad life is what you put into it..And what you struggle to get out

Everyone is in a uproar about Sen. Obamas comments of the other day..

”And it’s not surprising then they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.”

Pasted from <http://munchkinwrangler.wordpress.com/2008/04/11/tribalists-for-obama/#comment-5884>

It makes me so frustrated with the american people.. They are taking his words way out of context and not even quoting the important parts.. let me requote him appropriatly..

“You go into these small towns in Pennsylvania and, like a lot of small towns in the Midwest, the jobs have been gone now for 25 years and nothing’s replaced them…And they fell through the Clinton administration, and the Bush administration, and each successive administration has said that somehow these communities are gonna regenerate and they have not…And it’s not surprising then they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations,” (Obama)

yes he said that the pennsylvanians are “bitter”but he is making a statement towards the bush and clinton administrations of the last 10 years and NAFTA who’s policies and faults as leaders gave away their jobs and truthfully made them this way..he is telling the blatent truth what no other politician has the guts to say and since when was being bitter an insult isnt he just being empathetic..

O but when he does something perfectly right you dont see the praise all over the news or on peoples posts ..its only when you see something that on face value can be taken the wrong way.. everyone needs “dirt” Obamas’s speech on race was DEAD on , its what everyone knows but everyone is scared to say..and if you havent seen it i suggest you do !

Also on the same blog I noticed something quite strange ..

“Ever notice the amazing variety of factional endorsements for Sheriff Bart in evidence on America’s bumper stickers and yard signs?…

Women for Obama. Latinos for Obama. Gays for Obama. Steelworkers for Obama. Republicans for Obama…

It’s kind of odd that someone who’s all about “uniting America” and making us “see past our divisions” has a fan base that compartmentalizes itself quite eagerly.” (the munchkin wrangler)

Pasted from <http://munchkinwrangler.wordpress.com/2008/04/11/tribalists-for-obama/#comment-5884>

and about the uniting part ..do people truly believe that to unite a country you have to give up this country individualism .. i mean come on..this idea is ridiculous.. These people are united for a common cause but they still want to hold on of their ethnic , religious etc background plus on the other hand they can make a statement with it ..yes I’m white and will vote for a black man..yes I’m an atheist and will vote for a Christian, yes I am gay and believe in a straight mans ideology’s … The Media of this country preys on this sort of “headline attitude” the average person sitting at home will take just the information given in the news post and think that that is enough to make an educated decision on any topic.. and it most certainly is not! All the news cares about is ratings… accuracy and context are distant seconds…everyone in this country (everyone  in the world for that matter) needs to look a little deeper and maybe do a little thing called research..Look at more then one perspective and not only what everyone else wants them to see. Then some change would actually occur.

Lets see, Today was the real start of finals crunching for me this semester. Thank god its almost summer (ok maybe not god but whoever invented our calender maybe the romans or something). Today i got my last test back in General Psychology i got a 101 like a bad ass but found out that my annotated bibliography for my final in Comp is due next Thursday, my outline for my final speech in communications is due on Tuesday then the speech is given on Thursday, and finally my research paper in psychology is due on next Thursday also…So yes Im kinda stressing out and should probably not be writing this blog but o well it clears my mind some so i can get to bed.

Tonight i became taken again i have been single for some time now but this girl looks pretty promising. She is beautiful, smart and funny even has a sense of humor! and a great smile but we will see how that goes. After we watched Closer i think the name of the movie was with Clive Owen and Jude Law (the only reason i know that is because every girl is in LOVE with him it seems) I went and helped a great friend of mine Lauren , who also is one of my best friends girlfriend ( i could practically say wife hah) on a paper about Candide by Voltaire which i will talk about in another post under religion or issues im not sure what to call it yet so ill see.

Not sure what else to say but I will get better at this in the time to come.