What is it to be a man?
Where do i start? And how do i start? I guess i never really know. When i feel the need to write things down it just happens. I ramble. I take a drive. I listen to explosions in the sky. But in the end it always seems to work. Well basically I don’t think i can be with someone right now. How can i love someone when i honestly could not tell you what love is? Its not that i am immature or that i am afraid of commitment. Its that i am afraid of the wrong commitment. How can a man pretend to be with someone when they speak to other women? I’m not saying this like i have never done it I’m saying this because i refuse to do it again. Since my last relationship i have vowed not to compromise as asshole-ish as that makes me sound and as selfish as it seems to be. I think that’s the way it should be. Even though i respect a girl more than any girl i have ever known. She makes me smile and feel amazing not because i am with her but because she is her own person. because she is so independent. so strong and so amazingly beautiful in so many ways. When I’m alone with her its like time stops. Its perfect. But when I’m not with her its not the same when I’m not with her i don’t think about her constantly like i should. I cant explain it..and i cant tell what she thinks when we are not alone when we are together around our friends it seems so different… To be with someone is to be with them alone. Solely alone. not talk to anyone on the side and see where that goes it is to be completely infatuated with that one women in every way maybe that is love. i do not know. maybe its that we don’t act the same. Its like we have two faces one for private and one for public. That may be because we have been together in privacy long before we were ever together in public and maybe that’s just the way we are. Maybe we were never meant to be together but only to be there for each other plus it could be that deep down i just don’t want commitment but again i think that its the wrong commitment that i do not want. I will probably miss out on her by not committing like so many men have before not to her but to those perfect women that they always speak of. the one that got away. but that is a mistake that i choose to make. I wont sit around and contemplate what could be and what might become. I must act. Both for the sake of myself and the sake of her. I will tell you something weird between you and i. I’ve never even spoken to this other girl. Sure we message back and forth as friends but beyond that there is nothing there between us. When i first saw her she took my breath away. and that has never happened to me. I didn’t even think that could happen to me. i thought that happened only in fables but now i know it can happen not in some distant fairy tale but in our lives. and now deep down I’m willing to put all this on the line for something that right now is completely uncertain. I may be crazy but i mean what else are we living for? I want my breath to be taken away. I want to live. Or honestly what’s the point? No compromises especially in love. Even when there is only a miniscule chance there is still hope.there is always the possibility i get shot down, or that it doesn’t even work out. But i have no idea what else to do. I cant date one of them and then see where it goes with the other. That to me would be more wrong that anything i am doing right now. So i have to choose to lose it all with a wonderful woman. All for just one chance, one chance to lose everything and one chance to gain it all back. What a wonderful game we play as men. Sure many people wont understand but i do and the people i love most will too. I would rather lose everything than put her through something like so many men do. To stay with one and see how it turns out with the other sure right now i lose everything but to take the other path is to break someone else’s heart. I guess that’s what it is to be a man. To stand up for what you believe is right no matter how bad it can hurt you. I guess there is a fine line between chivalry and insanity. At least that’s what most people probably think this is. Crazy. And yes maybe they are right. Maybe deep down i am making all the wrong moves. but that is something i will learn from. right now living in the moment is all i know. and what i know is in this moment i feel alive.
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A) I don’t want to or need to know her name, just need to know if she really is that great?
B) I don’t know that is the crazy part don’t you think?
A) Not necessarily if someone is worth it then they are worth it, and if it works out then its beautiful.
B) The real question is, is it worth it in the possibility of them being worth it?
A) Do you mean what if they are not worth it? but you thought they were, so really its not worth it at all?
B) Both in that and not knowing if they are or are not worth it but taking a gamble just in the mere possibility that they could be worth it, or could be what you hope them to be. Is it worth it then? To me i think it is. To me you can always know what you have lost but you can never know what you could have had unless you loose what you have to go for what could be.
A)That’s what life is about though, isn’t it? you only live once and in life there are no do over’s.
B) If you have the chance at something great then that is infinite, if it doesn’t work then you learn and you grow and most of all you keep taking chances because that’s all we have.
A)… Because maybe one of those is the chance, the chance at greatness and most of all at love.
B) And maybe its just me, but just like you said no compromises..if its not what you want can you truly be happy
A) Exactly, i cant say i wont try when there is a chance that it could be, if its not what you want you can pretend to be happy.
B) If its not real then that is setting up the relationship for disaster.
A) Most certainly. And it must be real throughout not just sometimes.
B) And you cant have a relationship with fake because what is fake? it certainly is not real, and real is what we are. It is unwise to love what is not real
A) I just wish everyone would understand as much as you, of course that will never happen but it seems we have our heads on straight.
B) Hypothetically, you take the road less traveled, for what might possibly be worth it, be real..you cant expect to not get shit for it, but if you got true friends by you that understand that you cant be happy then fear should not be an object in your decision.
A) I have already made my decision.
B) To go about this, are you going to show what you showed me along with the conversation, write something, or do it in person?
A) I have already told her that i didn’t want to date her, or more that it felt much different than it did before. I don’t know if i should show this to her, if it is to soon or even if she would understand.This is one thing i haven’t decided.i think it would be to soon for that because most girls would say “its because I’m not worth it”, she will blame herself for my decision and that is completely not the case. It is nothing about her it is only in my decision what path i take. i just don’t want her to think she is anything less then spectacular because she is.
B) But not for you?
A) I think that she is very different than i, but again i honestly don’t know. Nothing about this can be a definite answer, because i have none.
B) Fools have definite answers, before the time comes to answer.
A) I really don’t know, it just seemed so different when we started dating, like everything else this is much easier in ideals than in practice.
A) I have quite the conundrum.
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